Two and a half years ago my husband coined the phrase for our wedding invitations “A love that is worth the wait… is a love that will last eternity.” It fit so perfect! My husband, then fiancee, had just returned from a two-year mission for our church. Our relationship had survived the long separation. It was a love that was truly worth waiting two years to have. A few months later we married in the Birmingham Temple and we were sealed for time and eternity. How such an eloquently stated sentence about the beginning of our relationship is now the same one we continue to use to get us through the past two years of our marriage.
A little over two years ago, after lots of prayers, we decided to start trying to conceive. With giddy excitement and anxious anticipation we came off 'the pill'. We planned, we prayed and we waited... three months go by. No biggie- we must not super fertile. Six months- well maybe we need to be more exact. I started taking my basal body temp every . Nine months- we were getting worried. One year- next step, the doctor.
So I call set up my infertility appointment with my midwife group that I see, I felt good, I felt like we were going somewhere now. The next day, like any couple who has been TTC (trying to conceive), I took another at home pregnancy test, you know "just to make sure" (we buy them in bulk now! lol). Woke up early for work, because I was anxious to take one more test like it was going to be any different than the umpteen ones I have taken before. We waited the so called three minutes and there on the stick was one dark line and the faintest of the faint lines beside it. I crawled back in bed cursing the stupid at home test telling Shane, "this is why people think they are pregnant when they aren't!!". I hear Shane from the bathroom, "Babe, I think it is for real, I think your pregnant." Ha what happens next is hilarious. We google what a faint positive would look like and sure enough that was it! But I still didn't believe it- I just thought the line was bleeding through the paper to look like a second line. So we both decide we needed an unbiased test, next thing I know we come up with the brilliant idea to have Shane pee on a stick (mind you it is 4:30am). Aaannnddd... sure enough there was a definite difference - WE WERE PREGNANT!! Whoohoo!
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| Shane doing the typical pose. |
I called, canceled my infertility appointment and scheduled my first prenatal appointment instead. I was only four weeks to the day, so we had to wait two weeks to be seen. Mean while we told our parents and family. They were all excited and were surprised to have learned we had been trying all this time. We felt so relieved and anxious, we were so excited at the soon to have a baby. Meanwhile, I had experienced some light spotting during this time, but nothing too unusual. We calculated the due date- Jan. 7th. Our baby would be here Jan. 7th!
Fast forward two exciting weeks! We go in for our first appointment with my midwife. Everything looked great but she wanted to double check on the spotting. She sent me that afternoon to the referring doctor in their practice, just to make sure everything look good. I was super excited because that would mean we would have an ultrasound!! :) We headed over to the doctors office across the street, signed in and were called back. Within a few moment we were in the ultrasound room, as Shane and I watched the monitor and our techs face we soon realize that something isn't quite right. Nothing was said in the room. She scanned and scanned for about 10mins. She located a sac, zoomed in and out several times. She told us she wanted to get the doctor and she exited. Shane and I sat in silence. We both knew that it didn't look good. It didn't look like the ultrasounds we had seen before on the Internet. We waited and waited, 10mins go by. The nurse finally came back and asked me to get dressed- the doctor wanted to see us in his office. I knew at this point, the trail of TTC and all the pain wasn't over. A lump in my throat began to swell. Doubt, fear, disappointment came in. Fighting back tears we met with the doctor. He wasn't sure I calculated my dates right; he wanted to draw blood and to see me back in two weeks to see if we could get a better understanding as to what was going on. But as we left he said "it didn't look good" - with that we gathered our things and left. We remained positive and we knew that we had been through a lot to get here to this point that there would have to be a happy ending.
Those two weeks were much different than the previous two weeks. I was on emotional roller coaster. One day I would feel pregnant and the next nothing. I was so afraid I was going to miscarry during those two weeks, I hardly moved for fear of making something happen! The next trip to the doctors office- I knew. I had prepared myself, I knew deep down, we were going to lose this pregnancy. When our fears were confirmed by a second ultrasound our dream of our baby were shattered. Lots of tears and questions arose- why did this happen?, why are we right back were we started? There was also another fear that this pregnancy might actually be a molar pregnancy and they needed to try and test some of the tissue from the pregnancy. For that reason the following day we had a D & C.
After talking with the doctor following the D & C he suggested that we needed to see a specialist. We were right back were we started, but crushed even more from having our dreams in reach but ultimately being taken back.
So in June we met with our reproductive special. She is AMAZING by the way!!! We sat down and talked for close to two hours about every little detail surrounding the past year and a half of our lives. We made a game plan, drew blood to check for more specific complications and underwent a few procedures to make sure all was well. Three months after the D & C we were starting back again, none of the test showed anything.
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Reproductive Biology Associates |
Meanwhile school was starting up, it was my first year in kindergarten- my dream job! My mind was on so many things during that first month of school but "it", like always, was still constantly calculating when I ovulated, why my temps were up or down, how many more days until I could test, oh I feel sick- could I be preggers?. (it is a vicious cycle every month) But for some reason I was a few days away from starting, home by myself, and the thought crossed my mind. Why not, just take the test. With in seconds I found myself in the bathroom holding a stick that said pregnant. I literally was shaking this time around- fumbling for my phone to call Shane. Ha, he returned home quickly after stopping by the store to pick up other brands just to be sure. So, we thought this is it!!! Finally we are going to have our baby.
I guess I am so good a tracking my lovely cycle that yet again it was a faint line and we had to wait another two agonizing weeks to see the Dr. This time my pregnancy symptoms were a lot stronger. This had me excited and super pumped. We had learned by the last time not to tell the whole world we were pregnant until we knew everything was okay. So this time around we just told one or two people.
The two weeks came and went, I tried things differently the second time around - trying not to jinx myself. We went back to our specialist for our six week appointment. Got ready for the ultrasound, our tech was super nice and helpful about explaining things. We found what appeared to be a sac with the start of a yolk. She asked "So, your four weeks today?" I told her that we should be a little over six. She took several picture and then told us to head to our doctor's office. My Dr. came in and we pulled out the calendar, it was impossible to have only been four weeks. Our Dr. shared her concerns but still held out hope that a miracle could happen. We decided to go back in a week to hopefully be able to see a baby and a heartbeat.
I just felt numb, exhaustion and worried. How could this be happening again? A week goes by and again we head back to the ultrasound room and to our surprise we were now measuring five weeks. Our "baby" (sac and yolk) actually grew! but we were still worried that it wasn't growing at the correct pace. We took the miracle and we decided to hold out another week in hopes that another miracle would happen!!!
However, when we went back a week later we could see that my body was realizing that the pregnancy was not viable and so it was beginning to miscarry. The sac had continued to grow but the yolk itself became abnormally large (a sign of genetic issues). We wanted answers as to why this was happening again. We thought that maybe their was a genetic issue that could have caused both of the miscarriages. So we opted for another D & C to possibly get genetic tissue to test. Unfortunately, just like the last time, there wasn't enough, which left us pretty upset and still with no answers. We were right back where we started.... AGAIN! We had lost two babies. Those months just blended together for me- I felt that I had been pregnant for most of the year and had no baby to show for it. I was so hurt.
We yet again went to the drawing board with our RS. She recommend a more detailed blood draw and a few more procedures to make sure all was well after the D & C. More blood was taken, but this time something came up. The blood work showed I had three blood clotting disorders. Those answers to the blood work were very scary, but it gave us a lead on how to change things to make our next pregnancy a success. My RS sent me to a hematologist who again drew more labs, but this time it came back negative.
We are still continuing in our search for answers, but we feel like we are in the right place. Are babies aren't too far away!
We have come to the possible conclusion that when my body is pregnant that my blood begins to clot. This in turn hinders the beginning stages of pregnancy.
So where are we now? A little more than two years later and we are still trying. I am now taking several pills a day to help with the blood clotting as well as a shot every day as soon as ovulation has occurred. Our prayer now is that these interventions will help us when our next baby comes along, but there is no way to know. All we can do is continue to try and pray.
We yet again went to the drawing board with our RS. She recommend a more detailed blood draw and a few more procedures to make sure all was well after the D & C. More blood was taken, but this time something came up. The blood work showed I had three blood clotting disorders. Those answers to the blood work were very scary, but it gave us a lead on how to change things to make our next pregnancy a success. My RS sent me to a hematologist who again drew more labs, but this time it came back negative.
We are still continuing in our search for answers, but we feel like we are in the right place. Are babies aren't too far away!
We have come to the possible conclusion that when my body is pregnant that my blood begins to clot. This in turn hinders the beginning stages of pregnancy.
